American Nightmare

Less than 10 years ago, it wouldn't be uncommon to drive down the freeway and pass by multiple cars wearing bumper stickers that read, "God Bless America".

I've always found this statement fascinating because by all of our American standards, aren't we blessed?

When it comes to wealth, we are in the minority. We live on more money than the majority of the world's population. We have more clean drinking water, fewer disease rates, better paying jobs, more educational opportunities, bigger houses and just about all of us own a car.

What a blessing! Or should I say, What a blessing?

From the time I was young, I was raised to believe that I could do whatever I wanted to do with my life. The whole world was at my fingertips. It was suggested to me, both subconsciously and sometimes rather aggressively, that the best pattern to a successful and blessed life was as follows:

1.) Don't worry as much about what your friends are doing in school- good grades are what's most important.
2.) If you work hard in High School, you will have the opportunity to attend a great college. Thus giving you the ability to find a better paying job one day.
3.) Find the best looking wife with the best personality and she will add to your success after college.
4.) After college, attempt to the land the best paying job. Stay there for 30+ years, build your savings and get ready to retire with that beautiful wife of yours.
5.) Make sure you raise your kids to do the same. Provide them with a safe home, good education, and shelter them from the "evil" of the world.
6.) Eventually you die, leaving a better life for your children, and hoping they can do the same for their kids.

Living the dream. The American Dream.

I may be exaggerating a little to make a point. However, I don't think I am too far off here, and would even suggest that you have felt the same way at one point in time as an American.

My personal American Dream included many of these things, and the best part was that I accomplished most of them before the age of 24. As a bachelor, I moved from California to the beautiful city of Portland, Oregon. I had landed my dream job; A pastor at one of the largest churches in the area. I had virtually zero debt, and made a living playing music in front of hundreds of people. The coolest part was that I got to do this all as "ministry". I had been a Christian for the majority of my life and now was being paid to work for a church, doing what I love.

Not long after my journey to Portland, my dream only got better. I found a beautiful and amazing woman, got married, bought a new home in one of the most beautiful neighborhoods in the Nation, bought a cute puppy, purchased two new cars, and found out 9 months later we were having our first child.

By all accounts, God had truly blessed me.

I wish I could say the story ended there and that I am writing this post today to tell you that if you are obedient to God, this too will happen for you.

I can't.

Shortly after marriage I began to lose countless nights of sleep. I found myself wide awake in the early hours of the morning, wrestling with a deep restlessness, not just physically, but deep in my soul.

I found myself asking questions like:

"God, I feel like you have blessed me so much, why is my soul restless?"

"Is this what a life committed to Jesus looks like?"

"I am doing your ministry, why does it feel like I am still missing something?"

My first reaction was to answer my own questions by doing more. I would make myself a better person. I would give more to the church, I would feed the homeless once a month, and I would start writing songs that people could really engage with.

After months of this, my soul only found less rest. And I began to become depressed.

And Then Everything Changed

What if my definition of "Blessed" was wrong? What if God "blessing me", or Blessing America had nothing to do with stuff.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:3-6
³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.

Blessed are the poor? The mourning? The meek and the hungry?

Has Jesus lost his mind?

Would we still ask Jesus to bless us if he redefined the word "blessing" from stuff to "mourning, hungering, and being poor in spirit?"

If that were the case, I would want a bumper sticker that read, "God Please Don't Bless America!"

Shortly after I found myself losing months of sleepless nights, I quit my job as a full-time Music Pastor. I realized that my particular role was not meant to just lead people in song, but to be in the trenches with people who are hurting and hopeless.

I had no other job lined up, no source of extra income and no plan B. I just knew that something had to change. Being "blessed" how I was raised to know it started to feel more like a curse.

Now What?

To this day, I have no second job. We are two months away from having a baby and we currently have more bills than we have income to pay for them. Yet somehow I feel more blessed than I have felt in my entire journey with Jesus.

The American Dream has slipped away from my hands- and I'm starting to love it. My life used to be one filled with luxuries, in which Jesus and Religion made a great addition.

Today I have less money, cheaper cars, less stuff and more joy. And I only want more of it.

Leila and I dream of selling the house we live in and moving among the poor around us. We dream of building a budget that involves less stuff and less bills to pay for that stuff. We dream of doing ministry out of the overflow of grace God has shown us, not because I can play a guitar and we need a paycheck. And we're dreaming of all this while trying to live "radically" here today.

What if Jesus changed your definition of Being Blessed? What if Jesus said that following him will require you to give up your dreams, education, career, safety, health, and processions? Would you still want to follow Him? Would you still want to be blessed?

What if He promised that if you take that risk, you may not find a better job, bigger house, cooler cars or better stuff, but that you would find joy in ways you could never imagine or define? You would find peace that doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. And you would find hope in something that lasts for eternity.

Are you blessed?